Miserable Monday?

2nd March 2015

We all have those days, the days that are really difficult, the days were we feel like we have failed ourselves and others, the days when everything seems like it's too much and we can't see how to make things better.

Today was one of those days for me.

Princess was back to the implant centre this morning. Her hearing tests went really well and she was fabulous during mapping. I felt emotional, I felt inadequate and I felt like it was all too much. I don't know why it happened, it came out of the blue after our wonderful weekend, maybe I was just exhausted, after all sleep deprivation causes a mother many a worry.

Maybe I have never sorted my emotions from her diagnosis, I feel like they are a burden on my shoulders. I have found writing this blog therapeutic, until today I wasn't really sure why, but as I write I have to order my feelings and try to make sense of them.

Life is difficult, that's no surprise, everyone has their stresses and complications and I am no different. However, the problem comes when you heap unrealistic expectations of yourself on your own shoulders. My husband, my children and the rest of my family are so caring, supportive and wonderful - they are always there when I need them. Sometimes though, you don't want to share or be totally open and honest with those closest to you. (Of course, I ruined that with this blog since they are probably reading this!)

I guess I still feel sad that my perfect Princess is deaf; although she will hear with her magic ears, she is still deaf and always will be. I am proud to be her mummy, but I am also sad that she will have to struggle at times, to communicate or to be accepted or to "fit in".

My heart is heavy at times, but my head tells me not to be so ridiculous, in the time in which we are living, communication is easy - mobile phones, text, email, skype, FaceTime, YouTube - there are so many ways to communicate that being deaf isn't so much of an isolation any more. We have been blessed that Princess was suitable for CIs and that she seems to be responding really well to sound even in these initial days, but as every mother does, I still worry about her future and the unknowns in it. I hope that she will be happy with the decision we have made to give her CIs and teach her sign language, I hope that she will feel part of both the Deaf and Hearing worlds, so that she can make her own choices about her identity and future.

In order to relieve some of my miserable Monday stress, I resolve this evening to plan my days more efficiently so that I may have time to get my chores done, but most importantly, to dedicate the time I want to my children. They are my world and they need me as much as I need them. I need to be productive, but I also need to feel proud of my accomplishments and so I need to set goals to achieve.

My goals for the short term are:
1. To get my house in order
2. To complete my reading on CIs & the therapies that Princess is beginning
3. To organise my time better

Longer term:
1. Continue with level 1 BSL and push on higher up the levels
2. To improve links between the Deaf & CI communities

Thank you to my husband for putting up with my Miserable Monday! I promise I won't be so grumpy tomorrow!

Thank you all for reading, please share too if you like.